“Solo vale la pena si los dos pensamos que vale la pena.”

I’ve written you a bunch letters. So many different versions, but they all say the same thing in different tones. Some are mean, because I’m angry. Some are sweet, because I care about you. Some are sad, because I’m, well… sad. All are honest. I’ve cried thinking, writing, and rereading each and every one. I’ve thrown so many out, because there are feelings I don’t want to remember or hold on to. And I’m okay, but I’m hurt.

And I don’t know what hurts more – how much I miss you or that you don’t miss me at all.

I wonder how it felt for you when you fell off the face of my earth. It hurt me. It tore me apart to let you fall and disappear. Sometimes I get upset with myself for not trying, for just sitting there as you floated away, but the whole time I was asking myself whether or not you really wanted to be here as you said you did.

You over thought a lot. Maybe that’s just something you do. And I remember telling you “Overthinking creates problems you never had.” and “If you are looking for perfection, you will never find it in me, because I am far from it, but I know the person that I am.” The point is that you decided not to stay with me, with whatever excuses you made, that in the end, only you know whether or not they’re real. I try to not look at this as a mistake. I’m not sure what it is, or whether or not I deserved it. Maybe you were a lesson for me or maybe I was one for you, but I try to remember you with affection. I remember you as someone who cared more about my feelings, than his own ego. Even if that’s not how it turned out to be.

Sometimes I think it was cowardliness, because we’re told that love is the greatest adventure, the biggest risk, the peak of adrenaline rushes. And I think everyone knows how much I crave adventure. You asked me if I thought that “more time” was a bad thing, and I said “yes, of course it is.” As much as we think we’re living life for something more, we are living life in the moment, each day – we don’t know if tomorrow we will be blessed enough to open our eyes and take another breath. But I chose to respect your request, even though it’s not what I wanted and I know that “more time” causes us to refuse to give ourselves completely to one another.

So now all I do is think about whether or not I came into your life too early or maybe too late, or maybe I am simply just not what you wanted, but I really thought that I knew you… Did I? I now have no idea if those moments that we shared when we had so much fun and were so great together ever really existed. When we met again and reconnected, for me it wasn’t immediate. I wanted to be careful, because it seems that guys can say whatever they want and they’re seen as being sweet, sincere, and vulnerable. But the things that you said to me, if I would have said them first, the reaction would have been “Bro, this chick is crazy…” But you are charming, and in you I saw the person that I had always dreamed of. We shared our goals, our thoughts, our dreams, and I believed in every word that you said. Every word. I trusted you and opened up my heart, only to be left confused and feel so wrong about everything. I just don’t understand how you could do what you did, do what you’re still doing, and not even care.

I know that we were so enamored, as people always are at first, but I loved our pillow talks. There was nothing better than our naps and just laying together. Do you remember that pretend world that we fantasized about? Every piece of me wanted all of it – a future with you, a family with you, to wake every morning and lay every night with a kiss from your lips. And now its like a dagger sinking into my chest because all I want is for all of those thoughts and those illusions that you filled me with, to get as far away from me as possible, to disappear from my head and my heart just as you did from my life.

I remember once at the very beginning, thanking you, for the butterflies in my stomach, and the racing heart, the dreamy mind. All of that became nausea, pain, frustration. Which all seems silly, because what do you say to a person that follows their mind over their heart or to a heart that doesn’t even dare to take a risk?

I mean, after all, it seems as if I broke my heart all on my own.

bruised,

mangó

***this is an old letter. it’s not recent or a reflection of how i feel today. it’s how i felt at one point in time. i just decided to share it now, for no reason, other than, it had been saved as a draft in my email for a while and before trashing it, i decided to post it.***