I’ve never referred to you as my “ex-boyfriend”, whenever I talk about you. I always say, “my first love.”

We were so young. I was, what? Fifteen? You, a year and a half older than me.

So many years have gone by and I still feel that I have so much to thank you for. I know that there were moments where we didn’t want to know anything about one another, but I also know that during those moments, we still always had love for each other. Keeping in touch on and off always reassured me of that.

We chose different paths. Is it f*cked up that I’m starting off with the breakup? I don’t even like to think about it. Letting go of you was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. (Maybe that’s why I always hung on, inside.) At the time we were just young. And I think both a bit impatient with each other, or maybe just incapable of understanding everything that comes with growing up. But I’ve always thought, “What if things would have gone differently?” 

We encounter so many “firsts” in our lives. And firsts are almost always the most memorable of each experience we have, but our first love is the most powerful. After all – it only happens once.

Your first love was innocent, it was something that just happened without you even realizing it. There were no games, no pressure, no expectations. It was the first of many firsts – the first “us”, the first of memories “we” share together, but even more importantly, it was your first time experiencing feelings you never knew existed, your first time feeling more selflessly than you ever thought you could, you’re excited, you feel safe, it’s the first time your guard is completely down, you feel unashamed of your body, you feel completely comfortable being yourself in front of someone else, it’s the first time you share a vision of the future together, one that involves you both, it’s the first time you’ve let someone love you. And it’s also the first time you feel the pain of letting someone go that you love so much. 

Your first love introduces you to feelings you never had before and it’s different from all other loves that come after.  

We didn’t end by choice. Like I said before, we chose different paths. But everything that our love represents, the possibilities, how it changed and shaped me, all of our firsts, that last kiss, will forever be etched into my memory.  

Thank you for being my first everything. 

Forever, 

Mangó